Raising Her Safe: Parenting Your Girl Child Until She Understands ‘Bad Touch’

Two weeks ago, Aruni and I went to Coimbatore for a get-together where I met a few of my PG classmates. We were sharing about our children as we met after a long time. The discussion took a turn into the difficulties we faced as working mothers, as almost all the ladies we met are working. One of our friends, Suji, is an independent, cheerful, and always on the move kind of lady. She shared her experience with her only daughter, which kept me on my toes until I started writing this blog!

When her daughter was a little girl, around 5 or 6 years old, Suji was doing her best to balance a demanding job with motherhood.  Her five-year-old daughter was her world — curious, playful, and always shadowing her around the house. Like many of us, she also had a few trusted male friends who would often drop by or help her out when she was busy.

One such friend was very close to her and became their family friend. He was then an unmarried young adult and was kind to her daughter too,  gifting chocolates, lifting her playfully, sometimes taking her downstairs to the park if Suji was tied up in a work call. Everything seemed safe. He used to take her for rides on his bicycle. The kid was also very much attached to him(that’s Suji’s perception!).

Then he shifted to the UK and settled there. After 20 years, he recently visited her family, and Suji expected that her daughter would be excited to see him. But, to her surprise, she didn’t show any interest in talking with him! When Suji shared his number and asked her daughter to contact him for any guidance or help, she replied, “Amma, I never liked that uncle. I don’t want to be in touch with him, talking about him, itself putting me under stress.”

Suji’s world blurred. She could understand something was wrong, but did not ask her anything. The guilt came like a wave, “How did I not see this? How could I have let this happen under my own roof?” She could not come out of this, what that little girl might have faced, how much she might have been feared. Without being aware of this, she herself forced her to go with him to play or to the shops, oh my god! She could not hold her emotions, (even I) and tears rolled down her cheeks when she was sharing this.

Like many mothers, Suji had simply trusted familiarity. She hadn’t imagined her daughter could be uncomfortable around someone she herself felt safe with. She hadn’t noticed the small hesitations, the half-smiles, the way her daughter clung to her after such visits.

She did what most mothers do, managed everything, trusted her circle, and gave her child moments of relief with someone “known.” But sometimes, behind “known” is a silence we don’t hear until much later.

I can say, It’s Not Always Evil, But It’s Always Serious! Yes, the difficult truth is: what happens isn’t always rooted in ill will. Sometimes, it’s male curiosity, the kind that arises during adolescence or young adulthood, when boys or young men are still figuring out their own boundaries, desires, and impulses.

That neighborhood anna, that watchman uncle, the relative’s teenage son, we often assume they’re “almost family.” We ask them to watch the child, take her out to play, and hold her hand across the road. But that very comfort can sometimes blur lines, not out of intention, but out of inexperience.

Your daughter may be too young to say it, but her body, her emotions, and her instincts always speak. And they trust you to listen. 

So, I immediately decided to share her experience with all the young mothers and future mothers: How Do We Raise Her Safe, Before She Even Understands the Words?

1. Respect Her ‘No’, Even at Home

Let her know her “no” matters. If she doesn’t want to be hugged, kissed, or carried, don’t force it, even if it’s a grandparent or beloved relative.  Do not force her by saying, “like our uncle only, our brother only”! If she knows her voice counts at home, she will trust it outside too.

2. Teach Her Body Awareness Without Shame

Use the correct names for private parts, calmly and normally. Teach her that some parts are private, and no one is allowed to touch them. No shame, no fear, just facts.

3. Allow Her to Refuse Even Known People

Let her know it’s okay to say:

• “I don’t want to sit on his lap.”
• “I don’t feel like going with him.”
• “I want to stay with Amma.”

Her instinct matters more than social courtesy. But, what do we do? We think they will mistake us and ask our kid to do such things against their wish, have we not done that?

4. Create a No-Secrets Culture

Make it a house rule:

• “We don’t keep secrets from Amma and Appa.”
• “Even if someone says not to tell, you always can.”
• “We will never get angry if you tell us something uncomfortable.”

Repeat it often, not just once. Yes, make our child feel comfortable with us under any circumstances. Give her/him a comfort zone always.

5. Be Present, Not Just Protective

Observe who she’s comfortable with. Watch her expressions when someone enters the house. Be curious, not casual. If your gut whispers something, pause, observe, and act if needed. I don’t say you should be suspecting everyone, just be aware.

6. Don’t Ignore the Gray Zone

That 14-year-old cousin, the college student next door, or even the boy from tuition class — they’re not “children” anymore, and not adults either. If they are spending unsupervised time with your daughter, stay aware. Curiosity at this age, if not guided, can cross into harm, maybe even unintentionally. And nowadays we can not trust even the elderly people, what do you say?

You don’t have to accuse. You only need to stay alert.

7. Use Storytelling to Teach, Gently

If she’s too young for a formal “good touch/bad touch” lesson, use picture books or story videos that talk about personal safety in child-friendly ways. Sit with her, explain without fear, and always end with: “You can always tell me anything. I will believe you. I will protect you.”

And, let me tell you, If You’re Feeling Guilt, You’re Not Alone!

If you’re a mother reading this and feeling a knot in your stomach, you are not alone. Many of us trusted the people who moved with us in a friendly way. Maybe, we missed the signs. That doesn’t make you careless, it makes you human. It’s not that you have committed a big sin.(But, forgetting and coming out of that guilt may be very tough!)

Now that you know better, you’ll do better. That’s what your daughter needs, not a perfect mother, but a present one. One who listens, watches, and believes.

Throughout, I have referred only to the mothers. But fathers can play a crucial role in protecting and raising emotionally secure daughters, especially in early childhood. What do you say?

Fathers, Your Voice Matters Too!

Actually, men can sense other men’s intentions better. A father might catch a subtle, inappropriate gesture or too-friendly tone that a mother, raised to be trusting and accommodating, may overlook or excuse. Also, a father’s boundary is usually respected more by other men. And his alertness gives confidence to the mother, when he stands firm, she feels protected too. It’s not about suspicion; it’s about intuition backed by presence.

Ladies are sentimental. You are like my sister, like my mother, and she might go out of her way to help. Culturally, many women are raised to honor emotional connections over suspicion. This makes them more vulnerable to manipulation masked as respect. A predator doesn’t always look like one; sometimes, they look like “family.”

While mothers often carry the emotional weight of parenting, it’s time we speak about the quiet strength that fathers bring and why it matters so much in keeping a young daughter safe.

More importantly, a father’s protective energy is respected. If he says, “Don’t carry her unnecessarily” or “She won’t go with you alone,” there’s usually no argument. His instincts often carry more authority in male circles, and that’s a power that must be used wisely.

His alertness doesn’t mean he’s suspicious. It means he’s watching, for his daughter and for his wife’s emotional well-being, too.

Daughters feel safest when both parents stand guard, one with softness, the other with quiet strength. It’s not about control. It’s about shared care!

The final word is “Let Her Grow Up Knowing She’s Safe With You”.

Before she understands what “bad touch” means, she understands how people make her feel. She knows who makes her smile, who makes her shrink, and who makes her want to run to Amma and hide.

Let her grow up trusting that home is the safest place. That her voice will always be heard, even when she doesn’t have the right words. That you will always choose her over discomfort, over convenience, over tradition.

Because she’s not “just a little girl.”

She’s your whole world.