Why Don’t We Remove ‘Should’ and ‘Shouldn’t’ from our Vocabulary ?

Why Don’t We Remove ‘Should’ and ‘Shouldn’t’ from our Vocabulary and Be Kind to Ourselves and Others Too?

If someone tells me ‘You should not do this’, the immediate thought that arises in me is why I should not do it? What if I do that?  In the same way if someone says ‘you should do’ then again my mind objects to me why should I?

What about you? Have you felt the same way?

If your mother or someone says you should go to bed now, what would be your response? Why should I now? Am I right? On the other hand, if she says, ‘You are looking tired, it’s better you go to bed now’, how will you feel? Which one will make you do that?

The first approach is ‘should do’ and the other approach is, giving the same thing as a proposal, doing this will have such consequences and leaving me to decide. Which approach will make me feel comfortable and confident,  to make my own decision, right?

Why, only others telling me? Even when I tell myself, as a motivation I should do yoga regularly, that has an unsaid meaning that I am not doing it and I wish to do that. In the long-term, when we tell ourselves or other people that we should or they should be doing something even if we tell with good motive, we’re reinforcing the negative, and the fact that we or they are not doing it.

The word ‘should’ is inherently negative, using this results in feelings of inadequacy, anxiety, frustration, and self-rejection. The word ‘should’ can have a negative impact on how we think about ourselves and others. Using ‘should’ can spark negative emotions and strain our relationships too!

Instead of ‘should’ing ourselves or others, we can look into or tell the benefits of doing that as a proposal. That is, instead of telling myself I “should” be doing more of something, I try to focus on why I want to do that particular thing. Instead of saying “I should be punctual for work, attending meetings (even with friends) or any appointments,” I remind myself of why I want to do this: “I feel great when I am on time to work or meeting others,” “I enjoy, feeling myself relax and happy when I am punctual for any appointments,” – Focus on the benefits!

One of the biggest things I used to “should” myself about was being regular in going for my morning walk. I struggled to maintain this. Many times I have stopped and resumed my walking.  It was a constant battle with myself. Telling myself, I should be regular for walking did nothing to change it. Instead, I started reframing this from the perspective of my values. I started telling myself “It’s really important to me to be regular in my walking routine,” or “I want to keep good health so that I will not give trouble to my children falling sick in the future”. Relating my walking with my values made me do that. We can relate how the activity, doing something fits with your values for doing that rather than telling me I should do that, what do you say? 

I wish I would not feel jealous or want to be the center of attraction and I understand that that is not a healthy feeling. But, I am not able to overcome that feeling completely, no matter how much I told myself. Then I understood that rather than telling myself that I should not feel like that I can focus on accepting and exploring why I feel like that. Yes, I am feeling jealous now, but why do I feel like that? Why do I want to be the center of attraction, it is their day today…. Wow, that worked well for me!

Removing the word “should” from your vocabulary will take time, patience, and practice. But it is possible, and it comes with great rewards. Replacing “should” with more helpful dialogue will lead to a kinder relationship with yourself, and better relationships with the people around you too. 

Why don’t we remove ‘Should’ and ‘Shouldn’t’ from our Vocabulary so that we be kind to ourselves and kind to others also!