Parents, be like the Invisible String of a Kite!
My sister complained about her son:” He was good, Madhu”(that’s me, my relatives call me Madhu!), “until his marriage and now after that he is not listening to me, his wife has changed him completely”. She believes so. It’s not his wife, it’s his exposure and experience that have changed him! Again, my friend Chithra, is not happy with her son because he chose his career in Hyderabad as she is a single mother working here in Chennai.
This is not only from one parent, almost all the parents whose son/daughter are growing into young adults from childhood have such grievances against their children in selecting their lifestyle, selection of bride/groom, selection of career,… Parents see them as the child and they cannot accept that they are growing!
Let me share three of my experiences with my own children and my learnings from that might help my friends.
- Niranjana and Devesh are doing their remote job living at Rakkar, a village near Dharamshala, Himachal Pradesh.
We, Aruni and I, were not for that when they first said their interest in settling there at Rakkar and we had a lot of inhibitions. Why should they go to that faraway place and live in the mountains? Our perception is living there is difficult in the chill weather, random rains, hailstorms and storms etc.
Understanding that their interest is strong we accepted and now they are living there for the past two months. When we stayed with them for a few days we could observe that they were very happy with the life over there.
It was really nice to see the slow pace of village life where everybody has time for a friendly talk. I did not see any traffic in those few days, it looked as if no one was in a hurry to go anywhere. No one is outside after 08.00 p. m. in the night. They drink water from the tap directly and they say as the water is coming from the river it is always fresh and full of minerals. Fresh and pollution free air too! They can either cook or go to some dhabas there if they don’t feel like making food at home.
There are many picturesque places where we can sit and do our work. So many beautiful places with lovely scenes of flowing water, mountains full of greenery, mountains full of snow, the pleasant sound of flowing water. When we were there, we all went to Norbulingka Monastery and spent one full day there, Niranjana and Devesh were on their office work, Aruni had a very nice time learning the intricate Tibetian art(He painted one nice picture) and I could sit there and write some articles. Actually, I could sense a tinge of jealousy in me, living a machine-like life missing so many beautiful things.
On the whole, they wanted to lead a simple, peaceful life in the mighty mountains and now they are living there in a pollution free serene environment at the foot of the Dhauladhar range enjoying the fresh air from the forest, flowing streams and the beautiful rains.
- When Devesh and Niranjana were looking for a house for rent at Rakkar, they found one, of their taste but the owner had a marriage in their family and they said they could give the house only from the 25th of April. We could see that that house was an old village type and for those two months they had to live in temporary accommodation. So, we suggested them to look for some other house. But, they liked that house very much and said they would opt for that only and for these two months they can get a homestay.
When we went to Rakkar, we saw that house and it was a typical olden days village house, not a modern one. I understood that they liked to live in a traditional village type house. This house that they have selected was like that and also has enough space for conducting the dance and music classes. So, we have the confidence that they will live in that house happily.
- They both have registered for a 10 day Vipassana course at Jaipur Dhamma center starting on April 28th. When Devesh informed us about this we had a lot of questions like, they have taken leave for nearly a month for their wedding and just after two months how they can take 10 to 12 days off from their work. Also, they were very recently married and in vipassana training the participants should maintain the noble silence, meaning not communicating in words or actions or even eye contact. But, they were very keen on attending the course.
When we all were talking to my brother, Govind, on a video call, Devesh said that they were going for this course. Govind asked a few questions about the course and shared that he also wanted to attend the same nearly for the past 10 years but due to his work commitment, he could not do. Then I told him, that is all about how we prioritize, while saying that it struck me that the same applies to Devesh and Niranjana also! right.
It is their priority to attend the Vipassana Course. Further, they have rescheduled their office projects, worked overtime in advance and they got permission from their office. They know how to manage things to execute their plan!
We listened to our parents whether we liked it or not. That’s all the exposure we had during that time. The current generation has more exposure than we had when we were young. They have clarity on what they want and how they want to live.
They strongly believe in themselves and make their own decisions. We can see they want to make the decisions on their own. The disappointment we get is the indication that they do not like what we are asking them to do or our suggestions.
Let them live their life. Let us not impose our opinions on them as our lifestyle is different from theirs.
But, it’s not shedding our responsibility completely. We should not bluntly refuse their ideas, instead, we need to discuss with them, with the feeling of relationship and trust in them. Make them understand that we are there for them at any point of time. They should have the confidence to reach us if any of their decisions go wrong.
Parents need to be there for Moral Support, that is the expectation from the young adults! Let them live their life and parents be like the invisible string of a Kite! Yes, let us be their behind-the-screen support. Let them fly higher and higher on their own path and if they get stuck somewhere, provide the support they need.
