Parenting Young Adults or Helicopter Parenting – A Few Interesting Facts!  

As the mother of Niranjana, who recently got married, I have the experience of parenting a young adult! Further, being the faculty in an engineering college, that too dealing with the first year students and their parents gives another dimension of experience with young adults!

I can see, parents are very much anxious about the future of their children. They have the ideology that their son or daughter has to focus only on studies and should not get distracted by friends, mobile, and social media. Many parents have the mindset to make their children study, get a good job, and marriage, … This is what they think of settling in life! For that, they take all the steps with the feeling that they are responsible for the future of their children! Worries about the things happening in their circle of friends and relatives family, the job market, and the world, in general, make parents take more control over their child’s lives with the belief that they only can protect their child, protect them from ever being hurt or disappointed.

With that belief, they decide what their child has to study, what job they have to do, and even they decide whom they have to marry! Most parents would be overjoyed if their child chose to become a doctor or an IAS officer. If their child becomes a professional, they will also gain respect, wealth, and security for their complete life. What if their kid wants to become a photographer or is interested in taking some art as their profession?

But, parents make them do either engineering or medicine, sometimes by force also. Some parents who understand (!) the passion of their children say, yes you can do your passion but as a backup first you do one engineering degree so that even if there’s a slip you will have a degree to get a job!

One girl, Vaishnavi, was passionate about doing a fashion design course but her father admitted her to B. E. Computer Science, the reason being those colleges might not be a safe place for his daughter. She could not focus on her studies and somehow finally she completed her degree. While going she met me and said, ‘Madam now I am free to pursue my passion, I will do a course in fashion design’. Four years just wasted, only that was the outcome of the father’s decision to put her in engineering, right?

Why are these parents doing this? If we observe closely, these parents tend to be overprotective and worry excessively about their children.  Michelle M. Reynolds, PhD, a clinical psychologist and founder of LifeCatalyst: Therapy and Coaching says “They often micromanage their children’s schedules and intervene frequently to make things smoother for their children”. 

The motive of these parents is to pay extremely close attention to their children’s activities and college work to protect them from pain and disappointment and also to help them succeed. We need to understand that this intense focus can negatively impact a child’s mental health, self-image, coping skills, and more. My friend Sunitha used to be behind her son all the time, “Get down from up there!” “Don’t ride so fast!” “Hold my hand down the slide!” Typically she might bubble-wrap him if she could do that! When you don’t let them take physical or mental risks, you can shunt their development. Let them fall, let them make mistakes and you just be a support for them to learn!

My niece always ties her son’s shoes, clears plates(even feeds him!), folds and arranges clothes, and monitors the college progress of him who is in his second year of Engineering!. Doing such things even after their children are mentally and physically capable of doing the task will prevent children from learning these things and one fine day if it is required for them to do it on their own they become handicapped, what do you say? 

There are parents like her, involved in a child’s life in a way that is over-controlling, overprotecting, and over-perfecting, constantly shadowing the child and allowing zero alone time for their children. Just put yourself in his place, how bad it will be without any space for yourself!  Instead, parents can help their children learn how to survive and thrive without them. Start with small tasks and build from there. Be clear about what you expect them to do, and praise a job well done.

By letting children struggle, allowing them to be disappointed, and helping them to work through failure we can make them strong and resilient. Let our children do the tasks they’re physically and mentally capable of.

We can make efforts to keep them as safe as necessary, not as safe as possible. Let them climb a tree, or fall and scrape their knee. It’s good for their growth as a person, what do you say?

A recent survey discovered that just several large companies had been contacted by their employees’ parents at one point during their employment! Human resource professionals have reported incidents of parents attending job fairs on behalf of their children, and have even attempted to negotiate their child’s salary. Due to this increasing trend of over-active parenting, some colleges have now started providing guidelines for staff who have to interact with overly involved parents.

Parents argue that all they want is for their kids to be healthy and happy in their lives! The author of the book “How to Ikigai”, Tim Tamashiro, says in his book:

As a parent, I was shocked when I read this. But, at the same time as a daughter, I feel what he is saying is 100% true! (Even now I am influenced by my mother! Certain things that I did not like to do or not able to do also I have done and after doing I felt I should have told a strong NO to her!) He further says, “Your parents aren’t going to disown you if you don’t do what they wish. They will still cheer you on and support you”. How true!

His words are a great lesson to parents of young adults, what do you say?