Conflict with others or within your own self – A Few Strategies to Resolve it!

Shylu, one of my friends, shared the issues she is facing in her office: “I am often getting some sort of disagreement with my colleagues. That too with one person I have developed a deep rooted conflict”. That reminded me of another incident where my niece was literally crying to her mother saying that she couldn’t handle the conflicts arising with people in her workplace.  This kind of conflict with others might occur, maybe because of the differences in the nature of the people or the moral values we follow.

The way we speak, how we listen to others and our body language, i.e., our communication style also matters, right?

Sometimes when I say something purposely in anger that might hurt him, Aruni will not take it that seriously. But he took it seriously and got hurt when I casually remarked something in a happy mood. His state of mind at that time could be a possible reason! This is also an important skill, knowing the other person’s mind and deciding whether that is the right time to speak or make fun, what do you say?

Again, another friend of mine was very upset for quite some time. The reason is the conflict between her son and daughter-in-law. They both are literally fighting every day as the needs of the wife and the husband are different! Whatever she is asking for he will say it is not required and he will buy certain things that she feels are unwanted!

Can you see such conflicts arise when individuals have different priorities, values, or needs? We can say, conflict/dispute is a part and parcel of people living or working together. Even with strangers, we get into disagreements sometimes! Wherever there is human interaction we can see disagreement, differences of opinion, or even big disputes. This conflict in relationships occurs in both personal and professional contexts. Can you see this?

This kind of conflict which comes between individuals at least can be resolved with some basic understanding or with the help of others. But, the conflict within oneself is more dangerous in my opinion.

I have been feeling very much stressed for the past two to three months due to the conflicting thoughts in me. It so happened that I was expected to do certain things which I did not like to do. There were opposing thoughts and emotions that led to stress and I was feeling very low. That went to the level of disturbed sleep and some health issues also.

I can even share the pressure that my friend Keerthi was undergoing. She is so close to me that she will share her personal feelings. She was complaining about her husband that he is doing this and that etc., and later she herself will tell me that he is so good and he did that(whatever she has complained about!) for certain good intentions only…. Such conflicting thoughts she used to get and struggled to judge what is right and what is not! I pity her for the pressure she is undergoing as she could not decide! 

There is a rare chance for anyone to be completely free from any conflicts, conflict within oneself, or conflict with other people, what do you think?

Different people handle conflicts in different ways, often based on their nature, the kind of dispute, and the context, etc. 

When the issue is trivial, or if I feel the situation will resolve itself without intervention, I will just avoid discussing the matter with the other. My friend Uma used to ask me ‘Why are you not expressing your unhappiness to the other? How can you expect the issue will resolve on its own?’. But, I consider maintaining peace is more important than solving the issue, such as in a family or community setting where long-term relationships matter more than the dispute at hand. There is a chance, while avoiding to resolve immediately like this keeps the peace temporarily, it often results in unresolved issues, which can escalate later.

A very good friend of mine is of another personality! She used to assert her own position, often very softly and at times aggressively also, with a focus on winning at any cost. She can not restrain until she proves herself right! 

Sometimes, people will compromise upon discussion or with the help of some common friends! 

I see the above are various styles that different people follow in resolving conflicts! 

Understanding the reasons for getting into conflicts and different styles of conflict resolution is not sufficient for us to actually resolve the conflicts. We should be aware of some strategies for resolving the conflicts, for that matter not to get into conflicts!

First and foremost in resolving/avoiding conflicts between two is Active Listening, fully focusing on the speaker, understanding their message, and responding thoughtfully. Second, Clear and Assertive Communication, means expressing your thoughts, feelings, and needs directly and respectfully, without aggression or passivity(this is more important, not to sarcastically say). If needed, getting the support of a common friend can also help to resolve the issues between two people.

On the other hand, say someone is facing a psychological struggle within, typically arising from competing desires, values, goals, or beliefs. This internal conflict can create feelings of confusion, stress, indecision, and frustration that might affect their overall health. 

The first thing that we can do in managing such internal conflict is to understand the underlying causes of the conflict. That requires introspection and a willingness to examine our thoughts, emotions, and values. If we practice mindfulness, we can gain clarity on the root causes of our mental confusion. You may please refer to the following blog to learn about The Why, What, and How of Mindfulness!

Another important thing that we can do is keep a journal. Writing down those conflicting thoughts will help us to resolve the confusion and make the right decision, won’t it?

By identifying the emotions and thoughts causing distress, we can come out of the conflict! One way to regulate emotions is through mindfulness. Some grounding techniques(to help you to live in the present!), such as focusing on one’s breath or engaging in physical activities that bring awareness to the present moment also will help. 

If we are working on improving these, we will not be getting into internal conflicts and we can easily  come out of the conflict, if any.