Children’s expectations and Parents’ feelings – A very big mismatch
She is the reason for my existence.. All my life she is the one I am living for..
My friend Keerthi is talking about her daughter!
I also have the same feeling in me for Niranjana. Of course, for whom I have to live other than my daughter, and now one addition, Devesh!.
But, the daughters’/sons’ perceptions are different! Her response to my feeling is “Ma, you live your life, for your own self” with all the love.
She wanted to get a massage done at Kottakkal Ayurveda Hospital and I accompanied her. When she understood that I was going to wait there until her massage was completed she said “Don’t do that ma, don’t simply wait for me. If you have some work to do, stay. Otherwise how will you spend the whole one hour waiting here? Do not keep me as your center”. I was surprised by her concern and her thought process.
Again today when we were talking over the phone, in a different context, she said to keep the focus on myself. In her own words, “Do not keep me as your center ma, keep yourself as the center”.
A few weeks before, we conducted a faculty development program on Universal Human Values where we have engaged a few student volunteers. The resource person asked those girls and boys what their aspirations were. Vaishnavi’s reply, in her own words, “I want to get a car for myself despite the fact that my family owns two cars already. The reason is that I’m longing to get it on my own. While thinking deeper, I wanted to get it for “myself” at my expense. I always wanted to get physical needs for myself. Despite my parents spending their entire life in accomplishing my needs, I still wish to get it for myself”.
Another boy also replied along the same lines, I want to get a sports bike, but not from my parents. I have to earn more and get that. Also, my parents have spent a lot of money for my education and I want to give it back to them.
So, children are no longer dependent on us for their living. Actually, they do not want to depend on their parents. I was really taken aback to listen to their responses because I thought that I had to get everything for Niranjana and Devesh. Not only me, I think almost every parent has the same thought and keeps accumulating wealth for their children, some even without spending on their basic requirements. They keep on buying houses and land for their children. Sometimes that itself is a big burden for them. I have seen in one of our relatives’ families, that the son is living in the USA and the father has bought flats and lands which the son could not maintain or take care of. I know one father who used to make jewellery for his daughter which has resale value as a future safety plan but she likes to wear simple ones!
One of my friends, Sumithra, wants to quit her job. She shared with me that she asked her son to send her the same amount of what she is earning now so that she can quit her job. I asked her why she needed money in her account as her husband is taking care of the family and her son is there … To my surprise she replied just for my satisfaction that I have money in my account and will give that to my son later!
Parents must understand that children have come through us, not from us, not that we produced them. We, parents, are just the instrument for their birth. But, what are we doing? We take ownership and think that we are responsible for their life. We believe that we have to take care of them even after they have grown up and know how to take care of themselves! Is this the so-called Generation Gap?
Recently, I have been to Dharamshala and stayed with Niranjana and Devesh for a few days. As they are living in a faraway place and newly settled there, missing the south Indian homemade food, I stretched a little beyond to cook some special dishes for them. Niranjana insisted on me not doing much work and Devesh also said, ‘Aunty you come here to enjoy the stay & relax and to have a break from your routine but not to do any work for us’. That shows their love and I felt very happy for their gesture. But parents, we think that we only have to do everything for them, it is our responsibility to guide(!) them and we should be helpful to them in some way or other. Sometimes by doing so, we make a big mess also 😂
What a contradiction in the children’s expectations and parents’ thoughts!
Have you also felt the same sometimes?
